They Call Her "Coffee" Because She Grinds so Fine
Nepsa The planet Nepsa is an ice planet, covered by plains of snowy tundra. The wind is smooth and harsh over the mountains and plains, small furry white creatures nestle amongst its harshness, and forests of fir trees give scant greenery amongst the perpetual white Jan-Zenzz says, "Woah! What's up Earth-people? Just thought you might like to know that Planet Nepsa is having its 1.63 x 10^4th-annual galactic ski-off competition! Our spy probes just found out your planet evolved to the point where you've recently learned how to ski -- the high-water mark of any civilization!" The sound of a guitar riff shredding. "Qualifying trials are being held this cycle, so if you've got a spaceship and a pair of skis, head on down to galactic coordinates 10565.4 by 3455.3. Oh, did I mention that the prize is the Key to the Planet -- and 10,000 energon cubes? Catch you on the slopes!" The transmission ends with more alien guitar soloing before ending. Blueshift says, "Aaaah brilliant! Luckily for you comrades, I am an intergalatic expert on skiing!" Blueshift says, "That's when you shoot at targets, yeah?" Scrapper says, "Go find out for us." Blueshift says, "I intend to! Hail Galvatron!" Scrapper says, "Hail Galvatron!" Scrapper is in a good mood for some reason. Blueshift says, "Oh Scrapper, have you fixed that MSE XO mistake yet?" Scrapper says, "Scavenger is my XO." Scrapper says, "You are my test monkey." Lord Scourge says, "You can be my XO, Blueshift. Of course, you probably don't want to be after you hear what I did to my last XO" Scrapper says, "Who was your last XO, Commander?" Blueshift says, "You... promoted him more?" Lord Scourge says, "No. I killed him." Lord Scourge says, "In the face." Blueshift says, "Anyway yes sir, I ACCEPT your offer to be XO of the Sweeps. Many thanks sire" Lord Scourge says, "Very well. Prepare to be terminated..." Blueshift says, "Is it not customary to make a mistake before being terminated sir?" Blueshift says, "Or is this some exciting forward thinking?" Galvatron says, "Good. One less idiot in my ranks." Lord Scourge says, "Exciting forward thinking, Blueshift." Blueshift stands on the surface of the planet Aspen, wearing a woolly hat and wearing a large pair of ski-goggle slung over his forehead. In his arms are a large pair of skis. "Nnnn this is too cold, why could they have not done this on a hot planet?" he complains Fulcrum doesn't seem to notice the cold, the dour blacksmith standing with his arms crossed over his cockpit chest. His only consession is his modified boot sections, that are larger and bulkier than usual, with strange clamps on the bottom. "I do not think there is such a thing as hot snow." "Well there should be!" Blueshift whines. He has also started to paint his fingernails pink, to fit in with his new imagined position as Sweep XO. "We can travel the galaxy but we can't make hot snow? What is science for?" "Well there is that planet that is comprised of water under such pressure that it behaves somewhere between a liquid and a gas" Fulcrum replies. "Have you tried that?" Grimlock parks the Alpha Trion on a large, frozen over lake, along with countless other bizarre alien spaceships -- the "parking lot" for the Galactic Ski Resort is immense, and would provide a sight unto itself for those interested in observing alien starfaring technology. However, the task of the day is one thing and one thing alone -- a high stakes winter ski-off! Grimlock emerges from the Alpha Trion's ramp, carrying a pair of skis under one arm. His optical band observes the wintery planet with a quick pan. "Hmm. Conditions are similar to Terran winter," he comments, looking down to his skis. "I found these in Wheeljack's old supply closet... I hope they are adequate for such a competition." Scourge shifts into his sweepcraft mode. Lord Scourge says, "Blueshift, just out of idle curiousity...what are you doing at present?" Blueshift's head has started to frost over, and he begins to resemble a snowman since he has forgotton to turn on his internal heaters. "Bah, watch your tongue Fulcrum, or I will eat you, or whatever us sweeps are supposed to do. Can't we just steal the prize or something?" Blueshift says, "I am with Fulcrum sir" Lord Scourge says, "That does not answer my question. You cannot "do" Fulcrum." Fulcrum says, "Yes, this is true." Blueshift says, "We are currently in the position to get 10,000 energon cubes for the empire sir" Lord Scourge says, "Excellent. Where?" Blueshift says, "The planet Nespa, my lord" Arcee steps lightly down from the Alpha Trion's boarding ramp with her snowboard, "Elysium," under her arm, and pauses while the camera zooms in on her, spiraling up from feet to head. RIDER BIO Name: Arcee Age: 180,000 of your Earth years Vertical: 23'5" Mass: 2400 pounds Nationality: Cybertronian AKA: "Bombshell" Stance: Goofy Blood Type: none Riding Partner: Eddie Wachowski Favorite Trick: Frontside half-cab melon grab One Liner: An imposing beauty and indomitable spirit. "Decepticons! I should've known!" Arcee's brow knits momentarily, but at least the 'Cons aren't smashing up the place yet. "Let's show these goons how it's done, Grimlock!" Lord Scourge says, "Ah. The ice ball. Interesting. I will be on my way. Fulcrum, do keep him from doing anything stupid before I arrive, won't you?" Sunstreaker stomps out right behind him, carrying a smaller pair of skis. "Yeah, these are actually water skis. Can you believe that crazy bastard had us "drive" all the way over to the Middle East and back with these things? And they totally clashed with my Selenium shinguards... well, I was trying those out back then. I guess they didn't work out anyway." He sighs. "I miss Wheeljack." Fulcrum shrugs. "I don't see why not. Would we need a distraction?" Fulcrum looks strangely calm, as if he's enjoying the chance to stand around in the cold and do nothing, falling snow almost instantly melting as it touches his frame, the internal station that powers his heat rays turned up to 11. Fulcrum doesn't sound hopeful. "I.. will attempt to keep levels of stupidity to standard operating minimum" Lord Scourge says, "Thank you." "Autobots!" Blueshift shakes his fist. "We shall ski them off this face of this pathetic planet!" RIDER BIO Name: Blueshift Age: 2.4 million of your Earth years Vertical: 30'6" Mass: 4500 pounds Nationality: Cybertronian AKA: "Blue Meanie" Stance: Wobbly Blood Type: none Riding Partner: Frosty 'The Snowman' McIce Favorite Trick: The Half-Stanced Octopus One Liner: Where chaos reigns, there he shall be! Sweepcraft comes out of hyperspace and starts to make for the planet. The sweepcraft enters orbit, locking in on the other Decepticon signals present. The sweepship orbits the planet, finding a good window for re-entry. It enters the atmosphere...burning bright red despite the cold climate. It reaches atmospheric height and the burning stops as it does a barrel roll, it's thrusters firing to shoot it towards the other Decepticons on the planet. Sunstreaker scowls at the purple faces appearing on-world. "Ah, man. Decepticons. Figured they'd want the cubes, too, after we jacked most of theirs." He whispers confidentially to the other Autobots, "Maybe we should shoot 'em now instead of waiting for them to shoot us later?" "Whaaaaaat's up skiiers," an amplified voice booms from the Ski Lodge / Fortress at the top of a massive peak near the frozen lack. "This is your MC Jan-Zenzz welcoming all you eX-treme skiiers to Planet Nepsa -- Remember, Nepsa -- the coolest slopes and the shreddingest powder this side of Nothoth! Ooooh yeah! This year's competition is brought to you by Alpha Centauri Foundries' Berlyium Balogna: If it doesn't crackle, it's not from Alpha Centauri! If all the skiiers make their way to the Ski Lodge and register, we should get things underway zoon! Whaaaaaaaat!" Grimlock strokes his chin as Arcee points out that their perpetual nemeses have arrived on the planet as well. "I should have anticipated the arrival of the Decepticons. It was a broad-range transmission, after all," he mutters. Nodding to his companions, he waves them on to the Ski Fortress. "We shall have to keep an optic on them, of course, but let us not fire the first shot, yes? We don't want to make a bad impression in front of so many different species." "That wouldn't be sporting," replies Arcee, tsking at Sunstreaker's unbotlike behavior. "I think we should probably just kill them instead" Fulcrum replies to Blueshift's dramatic announcement, checking his totally AWESOME green snowboard with the bright red star on the bottom. RIDER BIO Name: Fulcrum Age: 5 million of your inferior human years Vertical: 30'2" Mass: Refuses to say Nationality: Cybertronian AKA: "Robo Lenin" Stance: Unusually Wide Blood Type: Glowing and explosive Riding Partner: The United Soviet States of Russia Favorite Trick: The People's 50/50 Grind One Liner: Oh god how do I turn this thing Lord Scourge says, "Oh...by...Primus. A skiing competition?!" Warmonger says, "This seems... impractical. And yet, so much energon is at stake." Fulcrum says, "As I said. Standard operation minimum." Blueshift starts to make his way to the skihut, growling as he does so. "Mmmm. We could take down all those security droids they have, couldn't we Fulcrum. I can't imagine us two would have too much trouble destroying a planet's armaments..." He... looks serious as he does that, and gives a little salute as he sees Scourge in the sky. "Ah now, do I sign up here?" he stares at the nice lady at the Ski Fortress. "When I put my name down, does that mean I win?" Blueshift says, "If the foolish creatures want to give away energon for so little an effort, so be it" Lord Scourge says, "Not really. If we do not win it, then we will simply take it. This should prove amusing." Fulcrum makes his mark on the entry form with a scowl. "We could make it look like a series of accidents" he says, not bothering to keep his voice down in front of the somewhat shocked officials. "Accidently skiing into a crevasse, having a tree fall on them, attacked by wolves..." Lord Scourge says, "Plus, Grimlock is here. I owe him." Blueshift says, "Though OOCly I would like to note that cos most people here were in combat last night we can't do a huge fight scene :)" Blueshift nods at Fulcrum's words. "Ah, so we wouldn't need to cheat at all then!" Warmonger adds his name to the register after Fulcrum. "Eaten by a yeti," he adds to Fulcrum's list of accidents. After a pause, he shrugs. "What? It is no less ludicrous than anything else about this 'competition.'" Warmonger crosses his arms, glowering out across the snowy slopes of Nepsa. "This is ridiculous." Arcee signs her name with a little heart. "All the same, maybe we should keep the shuttle running," she remarks to Grimlock, eyeing the Decepticons. Sunstreaker sighs. "Ok, fine, but just you wait. They're gonna shoot us RIGHT IN THE BACKS." Walking into the ski hut, he gets in line, growling, "Ah, geeze, I have to wait on a bunch of Decepticons? Hurry up and sign!" RIDER BIO Name: Sunstreaker Age: 4.3 million Earth years Vertical: 26" Mass: 3200 pounds Nationality: Cybertronian AKA: Adonis Blood Type: Liquid Awesomeness Riding Partner: "I'm so good I don't need one!" Favorite trick: Triple Spin Bird Upswing Half-chuck One Liner: HEY, camera over HERE! Fulcrum nods at Warmonger, idly wondering who he is. So many seekers, so little storage capacity. "That isn't a bad idea. I have heard of Yeti, they're supposed to be a mythical terran creature. Perhaps if one of us is disguised as such a beast..." Sunstreaker grumbles, eventually signing his name onto the form. It takes him over a minute to do so, because of all the flourishes he adds to it. Warmonger just looked at you Blueshift strokes his chin. "Well volunteered Fulcrum. Go find out what a yeti looks like, then disguise yourself as one!" Grimlock joins the crowd of aliens milling up the steps to the Ski Fortress. "Good idea, Arcee," he comments, pulling out his remo-key for the Alpha Trion and pressing a button. The shuttle's running lights flash in the parking lot and it emits a shrill BEEP BEEP. "There. Security systems engaged and power systems kept on standby. It never hurts to be cautious," he reflects. "Zlorp this! I'm gettin' that energon fer myself!" A tentacled alien squidman throws his skis on the ground, breaking line and running past the ground towards the glowing pyramid of energon cubes sitting on top of the Ski Fortress. Snow Patrol Guards immediately ski into action, zooming around the Squid-alien and blasting him with laser-SMG's until all that is left is a smoking pile of ash. "Woah, skiiers! Just a reminder -- no funny stuff! We've got lasers! Owww!" The PA booms. Grimlock strokes his chin thoughtfully, watching the smoldering corpse as he signs the registration form. "I'm fairly sure their law enforcement procedure does not conform to liberal intergalactic standards of due process..." RIDER BIO Name: Grimlock Age: 44 Vertical: 35' Mass: 10 Ton Pressure Nationality: Cybertronian-American AKA: "The Lizard King" Stance: Bedrock Blood Type: None Riding Partner: Svetka "Swiss Miss" Flortenhammer Favorite Trick: Red White & Bluesaur Slide One Liner: The most fearsome and powerful Dinobot. (On the slopes). Warmonger grunts. "Fulcrum outranks YOU, Blueshift," he mutters, annoyed. Blueshift didn't even tag in last night. Jerk. Fulcrum says, "It is too late, I have already entered the competition. We should have bought some of Shockwave's drones. Those new ones with the metal spheres as control units."" Blueshift shakes his head. "Not anymore, WarNOOBer, for I am now Sweep XO!" He holds up his pink fingernails to paint it. Then he wipes off the lipstick from his face, thinking that it might be going too far" Warmonger clenches a fist, and seems to only barely hold himself back from utterly thrashing Blueshift like so many red-headed stepchildtrons. Anger smolders in his optics. "The day YOU become XO of anything other than the Undercover Idiocy Brigade is the day I, WARMONGER, sue for peace." Arcee looks curiously at Warmonger. He seems to do the same "I, name" thing Grimlock does. Blueshift growls at Warmonger as he makes his way into the main room of the Ski Lodge, and stands right in front of the fire, so no-one else can get any heat. "Hah, I never had you down for a hippy, Warmonger! Have fun with your tie-dye fusillage!" Warmonger mutters some incredibly foul Cybertronian curses under his breath, walking stiffly to the lodge. "Someday I will destroy that robot," he intones, through gritted teeth. "And on that day I shall throw a feast the likes of which the universe has never seen, merely to celebrate that fact that the universe is a better place without Blueshift." Sunstreaker is still grumbling as he wanders into the ski lodge. "Move aside, dammit," he tells a bunch of giant, sentient urchins rolling along the floor. "And don't poke me with those things, I spent hours on this paint job." He plops down onto a couch and leans back. Glancing around the room, he complains, "Isn't there any damn entertainment in here? A TV or something?" Oh right. His name's Warmonger. "This bickering is pointless." Fulcrum scowls, turning his gaze on each of his comrades in turn. "We should be concentrating on.. something like.. damaging the Autobot's knee joints with a pipe so they are unable to compete. Additionally, how do you operate a "Snow Board"?" "I think you can use skis if you don't board," Arcee suggests helpfully, enjoying the fireplace. "Do you not know even that, Fulcrum?" Blueshift glowers. "It... it's like a waterboard, just on snow, see." That explained, he strokes his chin and stares at the Autobots. "Perhaps... perhaps we can push them down some stairs. Or dress up as a yeti, we could use the rug in this room" He gestures to a tatty rug in the middle of the Ski Fortress "Silence, Autobot! Skiis are weak and inferior." Fulcrum crosses his arms across his chest again. "And I do not know how to use them either." He turns his back on Arcee, looking towards the rug that Blueshift is indicating. "You idiot." "We would need at least TWO rugs." Arcee hmphs, turning up her nose at Fulcrum. See if she gives him advice again. Blueshift stares at Fulcrum, thinking, his brain audiably whirring. Then he decides to sabotage the Autobot group. Sidling up to Arcee who is busy stealing all the heat from HIS fire, he gives a stiff smiles. "So... ah... I have a package here, can you sign for it?" Sunstreaker frowns at Arcee. "Don't help them, Arcee. If they don't know what they're doing, that's their problem. Anyway, they don't know good advice when they hear it." Arcee looks the Decepticon 'village idiot' in the eye with a puzzled expression. "For me? Is it a bomb? It's a bomb, isn't it." Blueshift shakes his head. "No, it is not a bomb!" In his hands is now a crudely wrapped package that he has taken from his chest cockpit. "Perhaps we could go inside and sign for it?" Gosh, Soundwave gives the best training In Fulcrum's experience, Autobot femmes are never interested in a Decepticon package. "We're already inside, Blueshift, I don't..." She narrows one eye. "Wait a minute... has Rumble been showing you... PORN?" Sunstreaker stands up, getting right in Blueshift's face. "I'm about to sign your FACE with my FISTS if you keep bothering her, pal." A security camera rotates on focuses on him as he becomes aggressive. Blueshift shakes his head in shock. "Wha... what are you suggesting? No, I just have this package for you!" he opens the top of the box, to reveal Warmonger's unclaimed pickled egg Warmonger heaves a huge sigh, then sits on the couch. He sits as if there is a ramrod up his rocket booster. "Yes sir. As you say, sir." Warmonger puts a hand to his chin in an exaggeratedly pensive look. "Perhaps... perhaps we can play on their innate desire to protect the weak." He points at a sentient glob of gelatin over in one corner. "Like that hideous creature. It looks weak. I assume the Autobots are already devising ways to protect it." Grimlock walks up from behind Arcee, having been absent speaking with the Ski Fortress administrators. He gives Blueshift a dubious glance from his optical advisor, planting his skis on the ground. "Arcee -- Is this..." He looks Blueshift up and down with contempt, "/Decepticon/ bothering you?" Fulcrum huhs? "Oh.. yes. That's a fine plan. Perhaps we could.. lure them into.. protecting it so much that they don't win?" Fulcrum isn't exactly a tactical genius. Arcee goes up on tiptoe to whisper to Grimlock with a little mou of distaste on her face, "I think he's been watching the humans mate and has... notions." Blueshift waves a finger at Grimlock. "Don't get in my nose, buster!" he mutters. "Me and the lady were having a discussion over this here package. Just sign for it and then I can sort out your plumbing" Sweepcraft continues circling in the sky, keeping an eye out. He won't be competing in this little farce. No. That's not his style. He doesn't snowboard. He's just here in case a Decepticon fails to win. That's when he does this his way. So...a Decepticon better win. "We are NOT having this discussion," replies Arcee, waving her hands in the universal 'no I do not need my plumbing laid' gesture. Grimlock tilts his head towards Arcee as she whispers to him. Grimlock has no readable facial features, so it's hard for him to emote a response, so he continues to glare at Blueshift. "Blueshift," he says with condescending patience, "We are here to compete, not to be subject to immature Decepticon pranks. Come, Arcee, let us head to the starting line." He gives Blueshift another glare before heading out the main doors, as are many other aliens wielding snowboards, skis, and various other downhill snow-traversing devices. "Participantsssss! Are you ready to SKI?? Get your x-treme behinds to the starting line! Oooooh yeah!" Warmonger nods approvingly. "Blueshift may be an idiot, but he learned more than anyone at the the Sensitivity to Human Interests Training seminar." A quick agreement with Fulcrum. "Yes sir. Perhaps if we were to insinuate that some harm would come to that pathetic blob of semi-liquid's homeworld if we do not win, they will be distracted by making plans to protect them and we will seize GLORIOUS VICTORY for the UNDYING DECEPTICON ARMY!" It is only a few moments after he has finished that Warmonger notices he started shouting there. Also, he stood up on the couch and raised a clenched fist, revolutionary style. Lord Scourge says, "Grimlock needs to be stupid again. He's not nearly as amusing without the speech impediment" Blueshift snaps his head round, as he grabs the rug and tucks it into his back collar so it flops like a cloak. "If I find another rug, then I can instantly become a yeti-creature!" he hisses to his companions. He runs towards the start line with his skis and straps them on, looking around. "I bet you can't do THIS!" he pouts at Sunstreaker, as he suddenly does a loop the loop int he air, using his rocket boosters. And he keeps on looping in the air, round and round. "Hahahaa I am the best at skiing Sunstreaker lingers to scowl at Blueshift some more, then makes his way out, growling, "Outta my way, slimy!" at the gelatinous blob (from earlier) as it tries to join the crowd outside. He shuffles out into the snow and on the starting line, hopping up and down as he fits one ski on, then the other. He then looks up into the sky. "What the hell? You can't fly in this competition! Hey! Killer drones! Shoot him down or something!" Arcee hefts her board and switches off after Grimlock. She finds her mark at the gate and drops her board, clamping onto it with the electromagnets in her heels and soles. So that's what those things are for. "May the best Autobot win!" she cheers with a wink for her fellow goodguys, and a wave to the crowd. Fulcrum trudges heavily to the starting line, wondering just how he got himself into this. "Yes.. if you see a rug on the track, try to grab it" he remarks to the spinning Blueshift as he steps onto his board, waving his arms around a little for balance. "Where are the controls on this?" Warmonger slowly steps down off the couch, hoping no one noticed his outburst. That would ruin their brilliant plan, after all. The Seeker makes his way to the starting line, snatching a snowboard from the hands of a hapless promoter on the way. He turns the object over and over in his hands. "This is a most inefficient weapon," he says. "How are we to do battle to the death with THESE?" Fulcrum says, "The edge. Use the edge."" Blueshift keeps spinning round and round, glaring at Sunstreaker. "Of course I can use my natural talents, why wouldn't I be allowed to? You are just jealous" Warmonger squints at the edge, running a thumb along it. "It... it doesn't seem quite SHARP enough..." Fulcrum nods. "I noticed that too, but it might be a power weapon. Is there an activation toggle? Mine is currently depowered as well." Blueshift sets his legs down as he stops spinning, waving his skis at the two. "Mine work fine. I am using the bifurcated version." He also waves his skipoles. "And this one comes with more melee weapons" Fulcrum says, "Very quickly, does anyone know the basics of snowboard operation?" Warmonger frowns, running his hands over the board. "I do not see a way of activating the weaponisation feature of this board." He is getting annoyed. "Perhaps this weapon could work on that GELATINOUS CREATURE," he says, just loud enough for everyone to hear, "but I doubt its efficiency against robots, even weak-kneed, limp-wristed Autobot scum." Scrapper says, "It goes downhill." Lingering towards the back of starting point, the City Commander Ultra Magnus is, sadly, not a participant in the race today -- he'd rather be dead than have to maneuver in skis of any shape or size. The Autobot instead is an observer, part of the audience watching this truly exciting event. A thoughtful look crossed over his face, his optics shift towards Grimlock, Arcee, and Sunstreaker, inclining his head to them all. "Good luck. Race hard, Autobots." With that, he simply partakes in enjoying the competition -- here both to watch his fellow Autobots compete and ensure nothing underhanded takes place. Blueshift says, "Have you not found the on button yet?" Blueshift says, "If in doubt, bifurcate it" Sunstreaker stabs a finger up at Blueshift. "I got natural talents, too. They involve KICKING YOUR AFT if you tick me off." Then, suddenly hearing the comforting voice of Robert Stack, Sunstreaker awkwardly waddles about on his skis, turning around, until he's facing Ultra Magnus. "Oh, sure thing, sir. Don't worry--those energon cubes are as good as ours." Grimlock stops in front of his starting smark, taking a few moments to step into his mysterious Wheeljack skis and maglocking them onto his boots. "Hmm," he muses thoughtfully, sliding his feet back and forth in the snow. "Should be simple enough, should it not?" He carefully skis to his starting position, nodding to Arcee and saluting her with a lifted ski pole. "Thank you, Arcee! May the slopes treat you well." The ski slope is a massive side of a snow-streaked mountain. It seems to combine downhill racing, cross-country skiing, slalom skiing, and extreme snowboarding (evidenced by random halfpipes and ramps). "Loooks like everyone's at the starting positions! Remember, first one across the finish line wins the energon! But watch out -- We've just received that there is a 'High to Partly Aggressive' Yeti Forecast for today!! Woah, it's Yeti Mating Season, so watch out folks! They play for keeps... in the game of Yeti loooooove!" Comcast says, "Consulting our documents on terran media, Fulcrum, your performance will improve exponentially once you have consumed specific brands of chewing gum or carbonated beverages." Warmonger says, "There's no TIME for that!" Warmonger says, "Hmm. Grimlock is... STANDING on his weapons." Lord Scourge says, "Do not worry." Fulcrum says, "Hn. I am not built to consume human foodstuffs." Lord Scourge says, "If a Decepticon does not win this match, brother....I will be taking the damn energon" Warmonger stares open-mouthed at Grimlock. "He... he is STANDING on his weapons!" he hisses to Fulcrum and Blueshift. "Is he truly mad?! Or... perhaps his new-found intelligence gives him insights even I, WARMONGER, lack..." The Seeker looks pensively at his snowboard, then at Grimlock, then back at his snowboard. Comcast says, "If you have a female who you have been pining for the last half hour, perhaps her sudden appearance at the event to support you will give you the inspiration you need to succeed." Blueshift says, "Perhaps that gelatinous mass is female?" Fulcrum frowns, as if listening to a radio message, then points one metallic finger at the nearest race official. "You there, get me some sort of drink enjoyed by puny organic creatures. Make it extreme! The more extreme the better!" Thrust motors up on his segway, which is made of bamboo, vines, and stone, with big granite wheels. It looks roughly completely impossible to move under its own power, and yet, there it goes. "Hey, what's up," he says, having not arrived as part of the main group and there entirely by coincidence. Blueshift glares at Thrust. "We must get to the bottom of the hill and beat the Autobots, and then we win energon! Glory to Galvatron! Now get me some delicious 'mints'" Comcast says, "Alternatively, if you are sufficiently 'X-Treem' and 'to tha maxx' then success is yours." Warmonger says, "Hrr. This seems... overly complex." Arcee needs no 'freshmaker' to compete, she's fresh enough already! She rubs her hands together to warm them up and takes the rails of the gate in hand, waiting for the start of the race. Blueshift says, "How does one become 'eXXXtreme?"" Lord Scourge says, "By cutting off heads." Brawl says, "We aren't already? Do I need to fit out with larger cannon?" Blitzwing says, "That's what worked for me." Comcast hmms, before there is the sound of paper being rustled. An animation error produces Quickswitch. The massive Sixchanger settles onto massive skies, moving them about experimentally and prodding the ground with gigantic poles. He crouches down, all intense-like. Grrrr. Comcast says, "You apparently need to have the right 'tude." Comcast says, "Which is..." Comcast says, "(more rustling)" Comcast says, "Okay, we're back to carbonated beverages again." Sunstreaker, still facing the wrong way, notices the arrays of cameras all focused on the participants and the huge crowd. He grins and waves at them, trying to get their attention. Nodding to Blueshift, Thrust fires at an empty gate and motors toward the new opening in advance of the starter's gun. Fortunately, his segway is so absurdly slow that he doesn't actually get a head start. Fulcrum peers at the small green bottle he's handed, optics narrowing as he scans its label. "Hrn. X-Treem. Alternative spelling for extreme.. sufficient. It also appears to be "Radical" and "To the Maxxx." Fulcrum flips open his wrist communicator and speaks loudly into it. "Liquid aquired. Max is spelt with three x-s. Victory is assured." Comcast says, "Are you sure you weren't built to consume foodstuffs, Fulcrum? Perhaps you just weren't trying hard enough." Fulcrum says, "Liquid aquired. Max is spelt with three x-s. Victory is assured." Blueshift finds a lack of mints, so he scoops up some snow and slowly munches on it as he waits for the start of the race "Skiiers! To your positions! On your marks! Get ready! GO!" The Ski Fortress fires its powerful orbital defense cannon into the air, a huge laser bolt singing the planet's atmosphere. As various aliens start zooming downhill (some merely rolling end over end in the snow while screaming), it seems like the race has started! "YES!" screams Blueshift as he pushes off on his skipoles. "Victory is assured! For the empire!" But then, he catches some aliens going head over heels, and he tries to turn to get a better look. "Hey!" He shouts. "That's my gimmick, stop it!" Turning has the unfortunate effect of moving Blueshift's skis, so now he is hurtling down the slope backwards, screaming. "FROM HELLS DARK HEART I STAB AT THEE!" Warmonger narrows his eyes at the carnage on the hill. "Rrr," he comments, then finally shrugs. "It would appear that Grimlock was... correct," he practically spits that last word. "We are expected to STAND on these ridiculously inefficient weapons... and SLIDE down a HILL. This is the height of foolish behavior. And yet..." his optics fixate on the energon. After a moment, he sighs, throws the snowboard to the ground, hops on and pushes off. "FOR THE GLORY OF THE DECEPTICON EMPIIIIIRE!" he bellows, as his snowboard runs directly over the gelatinous creature, spreading it down the hill like so much vegemite. Warmonger laughs. "HAH! It WAS effective against that disgusting beast!" Arcee's competitive warrior spirit gets to come out and play as she rocks back and forth and back and forth and back and GO! She hurls herself out of the starting gate with both arms, whisking over the starting shallows. She drops into a tight crouch over the board as the slope steepens, making herself small to build up speed. "What? But the Snow Board is still not functional!" Fulcrum cries. "Bah! and I.." It's at that moment that Fulcrum realises that he's already moving, now that the small barrier at the start line has retracted away. "...What? Ooooohhhh noooooooo!!" he yells, arms pinwheeling wildly as the Blacksmith picks up speed, careening wildly down the slope. Sunstreaker looks around, puzzled. "Huh? What? It started?" He does a quick hop and 180 spin in the air, and pushes off with his poles. "Geronimo! Out of the way, losers!" He immediately sets himself to forcing the other skiers to back away from him by coming in extremely close to them. "Bwahahaha!" Thrust continues to zoom along in the segway, but it's not really so much of a 'zoom' as something less insistent-sounding, like a 'zum' or something. Either way, he doesn't go very fast -- and then the incline really steepens, and Thrust starts /speeding/ recklessly down the hill, powered by both gravity and the segway he stole from a tribal gorilla god he murdered. Not really sure what he's supposed to be doing, he starts to fire missiles at those in front of and around him, but his accuracy is blown to shit by the fact that he's hurtling downhill at ridiculous speeds on a gyroscopic personal transport device made of plants and rocks. All his missile barrages accomplish -- is setting of a minor /avalanche/ behind all the skiiers! weepcraft continues to circle the area, waiting for the outcome. He sighs, "I swear sometimes..." the sweepship does a barrel roll, "I am surrounded by morons. It pains me to say it..." he sighs internally eavily, "Blueshift was right. We should have just killed them. Take the energon. This is bloody stupid." He starts to power up his weapons, "Hope you win, Autobots. It will please me to take each of you apart." Comcast was here all along? OH, he was here but was coloured like some generic seeker who was here. Damn pesky animation errors. However, he is confidant in the Decepticon victory. With the megavitamins of X-Treem Sports drink, how can victory belong to anyone else? Grimlock pushes off on his skipoles when the starting laser fires, going only a few meters downhill before sinking down into the snow and stopping. "Confound it!" Grimlock curses. "It would appear my chassis is too dense for this arena! Unless..." He crouches down, opening up a secret panel on the ski's side. "Ah, yes... Wheeljack, you beautiful maniac!" He presses a button, and the skis chirp: >> Rocket Assist Enabled <<. Grimlock's head is immediately snapped back as twin jets activate, orange fire melting the snow around his ankles and launching him into the air for several meters before his skis cut back into the snow. "Exxxxxxxxtreeeeeeeeeeeeemeeeee---!" The announcer comments, articulately, as the racers are out of the gates, sounding like he's dying into his microphone. The mad scientists in the audience pause in the cheering to pour out their 40s for Wheeljack, greatest of their number and a legend in his own lifetime. With a mighty heave, Quickswitch thrusts himself off of the starting line once it evaporates. The act of leaning forward gives the Sixchanger forward momentum down the hill. The sensation is strange as his skis slide, earning a curious blink or two as Quickswitch tries to control that momentum on these--ridiculous--hey, there are people rolling down the hill. The racers speed around the track.... Current track positions: 6) Quickswitch (lap 1) Warmonger (lap 1) Fulcrum (lap 1) Sunstreaker (lap 1) 5) Grimlock (lap 1) Blueshift (lap 1) 4) Thrust (lap 1) Arcee (lap 1) Blueshift continues to blast down the track backwards, craning his neck, unable to see where he is going, his fur cloak whipping in the wind. "No!" he cries, waving his skipoles in the air. "I will not be denied!" Mentally, he knows that there is only one way to right himself and save the race... but that involves doing the dreaded 180 Sea-Hamster pseudo-spin. It has never been attempted successfully by any living creature. "No. I have no choice!" he mutters, steeling himself. "I am a warrior, let battle be joined!" With that, he crouches down and LEAPS into the air. Will he make it? Warmonger quickly gets the hang of riding a snowboard. "Ah, I see!" he crows. "It is just like a Nebulon Death Sled... only more primitive and useless." The hard-battlin' Seeker crouches low on his board, and smiles wickedly as he sees Grimlock rocket over his head to land... directly in front of him. "Grimlock, you witless monstrosity. You have made a grave error in turning your back to... WARMONGER!" With that, he scoops up a tumbling alien sea urchin creature in one hand. The creature screams and thrashes, but Warmonger has already brought back his arm... and throw it directly at Grimlock's legs! Warmonger tries to ram into Grimlock, without much success. Fulcrum has absolutely no idea how to steer, let alone stop, the out-of-control Decepticon inadvertantly smashing into several of the alien contestants, a trail of destruction in his wake. During one of the rare moments he's facing foward, Fulcrum notices the ROCKET BOOSTERS attached to Grimlock's skiis. "Cheater!" he roars, as a poorly thrown sea-urchin flys by, the blacksmith irritated he didn't think of rocket boosters himself. But he's got the next best thing - a heat ray to slightly melt the snow in front of him, lessening the friction and increasing his speed as he attempts to smash into the dinobot commander. Fulcrum crashes forcefully into Grimlock! Thrust, having already made a mess of things, looks behind him at the destruction he hath wreaked -- and then turns to see a tree alien from tree planet, which he smashes into, hurtling off-course toward Arcee! Thrust strikes Arcee with ram. Arcee slaloms between flailing, wailing aliens, crashing Decepticons and... oof! Thrust! >:/ She tangles up with the Conehead for a moment, shoving off from him and trying to escape. "Get off me, you lummox!" "NO!" Thrust screams, his cone bent from the impact. "THRUST DOES WHAT THRUST WANTS! /THRUST/!" Sunstreaker grins as he peers over his shoulder at the Decepticons, who waste their time on Grimlock. "Hah, hey Quickswitch," he says, skiing over to his position. "I think this is gonna be pretty easy. Tell ya what. You can go home." He smirks as he pokes at the sixchanger's skis with his ski pole, trying to send him off course. "SEEYA LATER! Lemme know how those other guys do!" Sunstreaker tries to ram into Quickswitch, without much success. "Stop thrusting at me, you buffoon! Go take your cone elsewhere!" Arcee is incensed, banging on the wayward Seeker with her little white fists. Grimlock tilts his stocky body to one side, dodging screaming sea urchins with ease. "I should have expected the Decepticons would not enter into an honest downhill ski competition without attempting to their trickery!" He raises one forearm to brace against Fulcrum's ram, which nonetheless spins him out for a moment before his rocket skis can fire up again. "Very well, Decepticons -- if this is how you choose to compete, so be it!" He presses a thumb button on one of his ski poles, causing his right ski to fire a massive jet of no-friction gel right in Warmonger's path! Grimlock crashes forcefully into Warmonger! A pickled egg flies though the air at Arcee's head Meanwhile, Blueshift manages his really tricky flip. But no-one is watching the one moment of triumph he will ever have in his life "CURSE YOU AUTOBOT!" screams Warmonger, as his board catches on the no-friction gel, slamming the Seeker face-first into the snow. "You'll get yours, Grimlock... SOME DAY!" He picks himself up off the ground, wrenches his board off the no-stick gel and re-enters the race. For good measure, he shoves a sentient ham haunch to the ground out of frustration. "Accursed ham-beast." Pole position! Yesssssssss! Quickswitch fires off his jet thrusters as the snotty Sunstreaker tries tripping him of all people up. A smile forms on his face as he jumps and twists away in the air on his skiis, landing with an experimental thud. Being a Sixchanger has such advantages others could only dream of, even beyond the sheer multitude of modes. He should have skiis installed into subspace! Quickswitch charges forward, clear ahead of him--not daring to glance back at the tangles and yelling behind him, "Eat my vapors." The racers speed around the track.... Current track positions: 11) Quickswitch (lap 1) 10) Blueshift (lap 1) Sunstreaker (lap 1) 9) Thrust (lap 1) Fulcrum (lap 1) 8) Arcee (lap 1) 6) Warmonger (lap 1) 5) Grimlock (lap 1) Comcast had no idea that Rockets were allowed! Can Fulcrum's newly acquired to-the-max attitude best skis with Rockets attached on the end?? Comcast doesn't want to wait to find out! He has a plan, but first he needs a disguise... Comcast transformed and took off in jet mode, managing to cover a vast distance down the track while everyone was distracted with the race, before transforming back into robot mode, and landing face first in the snow, burying himself entirely. Yes. Somehow, Fulcrum has got his snowboard tangled on the back of Grimlock's skiis. "AAAARRG" he bellows helpfully, flailing wildly to free himself, which he FINALLY manages to do.. only to pinball of an incoming skiier who appears to have been drawn by Rob Liefield. Sadly, the alien's tiny waist and miniscule feet are no match for several tons of Decepticon. But at least his millions of pouches break his fall. "I think the extreeme to the max drink is wearing off!" he grinds, reaching into subspace for another refreshing carbonated beverage. Warmonger calls from further back the track. "Fulcrum! Pass me one of those carbonated beverages! I have fallen woefully behind!" Fulcrum helpfully tosses Warmonger a bottle, the Totally Radical bottle tipping end over end in extremely photogenic fashion. Arcee whisks past poor assailed Grimlock with a wave... uhoh, Warmonger and his ham are coming up. She crouches low and springs into the air, sailing over Warmonger's head with her left hand on the nose of her board and her right hand acknowledging the audience with a pointing finger as she spins through three complete revolutions before hitting the snow and continuing down the course. "Oooh, and that's a beautiful FS 540 G-Money from Arcee!" Lord Scourge says, "If you do not win, Decepticons....I will take what is ours" Comcast checks that his radio isn't randomly repeating things back to him. Blueshift says, "They do have like, lots of security sir. And most of us were in a battle last night..." Sweepcraft continues circling, watching the competition. A Decepticon better win...or Scourge intends to just take what is theirs. He keeps watching, circling, like a shark. Someone should totally give him a fin. Sunstreaker scowls as Quickswitch pulls up ahead of him. "Dammit. Hey, I was just KIDDING." That's when he notices Blueshift landing right beside him. "Oh, great, I thought I left all you losers behind." He tries to stab at Blueshift with his ski poles. "Get off my mountain!" Stab. "Ha!" Slice. "Take that!" Sunstreaker crashes forcefully into Blueshift! Thrust is battered by Arcee and thus knocked away -- unfortunately, this puts him further ahead, as he does a zillion-degree loop-dee-loop turn on his tribal-god segway and hurtles uncontrollably toward destiny. He looks to the left... and then to the right. And then he activates his /rocket feet/ for a moment, hurtling forward to try to smash into any Autobot in his way! "NOT CHEATING" he helpfully notes. Thrust crashes forcefully into Sunstreaker! Blueshift is now heading downhill the right way as he digs his skipoles into the snow. "Nnnnya, I am the king of skiing!" He smirks, as he heads towards a ramp. Unfortunately it is not a ramp, but another skier which looks a bit like a ramp. "Gaaaah!" screams Blueshift as he hits the alien, launches into the air and then is stabbed by Sunstreaker as he lands, turning into a tumbling snowball. Will he manage to take out any Autobots as a snowball? Probably not! You attempt to crash into Quickswitch, but miss. Warmonger crouches again on his board, optics locked on the spinning green beverage. As it enters range... he leaps into the air, spinning in an extremely stylish flip. At the apex of his flip, while he is upside-down, he reaches down and snags the tiny bottle out of the air. Still flipping, he uncaps the miniscule drink just above his mouth, and the power of Physics causes it all to stream directly into his mouth. Then he lands, board cutting a stylish S-shape through the snow. Holding the microscopic bottle up, label outwards, he gives a thumbs-up and says, rather unconvincingly, "... Do the Dew." Grimlock manages to come in dead last after the Fulcruming slowed him down, though he manages to catch sight of his zippier comrades making progress down the slope. "Perhaps we shall win the day yet!" He says to himself, optimistically, continuing to ski along. Just as Warmonger catches his licensed soft drink, Grimlock takes the apparently to cut into his S-pattern, trying to ram him with one elbow. "Forgive the unsportsmanlike behavior, Decepticon -- or not!" Grimlock crashes forcefully into Warmonger! Quickswitch barrels down the hill--Sunstreaker's words a faint streak behind him. He continues leaning forward on his skiis, using his own bulk as weight to speed down the hill. Another smile that melts into a look of grim determination as Blueshift tumbles so close behind him. The Sixchanger leaps over a small embankment, finding himself momentarily airborne, firing off the thrusters of his jet-skiis as naturally as if they were his own wings. It certainly didn't take much for /him/ to get used to this. The racers speed around the track.... Current track positions: 15) Quickswitch (lap 1) 14) Arcee (lap 1) 13) Thrust (lap 1) Fulcrum (lap 1) 10) Blueshift (lap 1) Sunstreaker (lap 1) 8) Grimlock (lap 1) 6) Warmonger (lap 1) Ha HA, the time is right! People will be hurtling around the corner any moment now! Comcast emerges, still completely covered in snow! He looks unmistakably like a yeti! What Yeti has wings sticking out of his back? A SPACE yeti! Giving his most fearsome roar, he emerges as Quickswitch approaches him. Comcast is confidant this is TOTALLY going to scare this Autobot off his skis. At least he hopes it's an Autobot. There's snow obscuring his optics. "A YETI!" Thrust screams. "And during YETI MATING SEASON!" Rocketing forward again, he attempts to grab Arcee by the shoulders and throw her toward the Yeti, or at least give her a forceful shove. "Take the FE-male Autobot, Yeti! SPARE THRUST!" Thrust tries to ram into Arcee, without much success. Thrust is then seized by a /real/ Yeti and mated upon. :( :( "That Extreem Sports Drink is the property of the Decepticon Empire!" yells Fulcrum, shaking a fist as he barrels backwards down the slope on his out of control snowboard "I demand you regurgitate it immediately!" Suddenly, an hitherto unseen ramp sends him wide-opticed into the air and tumbling towards Thrust and Arcee. Well, mainly Arcee. "Extreeeeeeeeemeee...." "Aaaand it looks like one of those Earth-people is in the lead! Amazing! Fabulous! Perhaps, would you say... extreeeeeeme? But watch out, the skiiers are heading right into YETI ALLEY! And here comes a beautiful she-yeti right now, attacking none other than our lead skiier!" Fulcrum crashes forcefully into Arcee! Sunstreaker shouts, "ACK!" as Thrust rams into him while he was busy slicing and dicing Blueshift, and Sunstreaker wails as he is involuntarily spun around, even while he continues to plummet down the hill. "Waaaaah! Gotta... take... control..." He grits his robo-teeth as he forces his body to twist counter to the spin, and finds himself facing forward again. "Phew... close one. Er... WHAT?" He looks up ahead, startled at the fact that everyone is ahead of him. "DAMN YOU!" He pushes hard on his ski poles, trying to reclaim lost time. Arcee tries to swerve around Thrust but he seizes her and hurls her directly towards a tree! Quick as a wink she draws her pistol and blasts the base of the tree; it topples over and she steers towards it, detaching from her board in a leap and balancing on it in a handstand as she grinds the falling tree down its length, branches flying, and sails off the top of it into the air! "Nice try, conebrain!" Arcee calls down as she reclines on her airborne board as if it were a chaise lounge. FS Double Back Flip 540 Karolicker! Warmonger is sent to the side as Grimlock rams into him, but manages to control his board and zig-zag through a thicket of space trees. Nonetheless, this puts him far behind the rest of the group. "Grimlock you are a ROBOT JERK!" he yells after the hulking Dinobot. "But your time has finally come... your time to EXPERIENCE THE EXTREME POWER OF WARMONGER!!! Warmonger zooms forward, intent of tripping up Grimlock. "AAAARRRRGRGGHGHGHGHGGGGHHHHH IT HURTS SO MUCH" Thrust screams as a sudden, extremely localized blizzard obscures what the real Yeti (not Comcast's Yeti) is doing to him. But it is so rude. So rude. Warmonger doesn't zoom fast enough, alas! The Sixchanger has seen many things and been in many situations over the millions of years of his existance, seen many surprises. He has never seen a Yeti, however. His transformation cog crackles--Quickswitch steadying the internal motion with a sharp wince of his features. He once snuck around Cybertron hunting for energon and componants, the possibility of death at every other turn--the Comcast-Yeti causes Quickswitch to veer sharply, almost overtoppled by his own weight on a sliding surface. He tries to right himself, planting a heavy booted foot against the ground and ROOOOAAAARS right back at the Yeti, meaning absolute business. Stay the hell out of his way! "WHY IS NO ONE HELPING MEEEE" Thrust screams as the Yeti howls with passion. Blueshift continues to blast down the hill in the form of a gigantic snowball, somehow managing to hit every single tree on the way down, as if it were a pinball alley. He bravely eats away the snow and staggers to his feet. "There is only... one hope!" he gasps, as he starts to do star-jumps, in order to try to channel cosmic power to help him. But all he gets is a pulled thigh Grimlock leaves Warmonger in his wake of rocket exhaust and slush, paying the generic Seeker no more mind as he continues to rocket down the sludge -- addmitedly at a Grimlockian pace, which isn't carrying him very far or fast. However, seeing yet another Decepticon ahead of, Grimlock continues his Path of Vengeance, accelerating up behind Blueshift. Skiing along the Decepticon's side, he gives him a nasty sideways look. "As much as I dislike your entire organization, you are a particularly loathsome Decepticon, Blueshift! First you mock the democratic process, and then you hassle Arcee at the Ski Lodge! No more, I say!" He then tries to give Blueshift a rather inarticulate elbow in the face. "Thrust, stop putting your cone there!" Blueshift shouts Thrust says, "IT'S NOT MY CONE I'M WORRIED ABOUT AAAAAUUUGGGHHHHHHGGGGKKKKKLGGHH" Thrust screams back." "Thrust, you cannot refuel properly if you treat your port like that" Blueshift scolds The racers speed around the track.... Current track positions: 17) Blueshift (lap 1) 16) Sunstreaker (lap 1) 15) Thrust (lap 1) Fulcrum (lap 1) 14) Arcee (lap 1) 12) Warmonger (lap 1) 11) Grimlock (lap 1) 1) Quickswitch (lap 2) Arcee lands near Quickswitch, leaning into the wind as she whisks down the mountainside, executing a leisurely front spin. "Good skiing, Quickswitch!" She's quite impressed with his sudden burst of speed. A gigantic yeti looms out of the icey snow towards the Comcast yeti, shadowing over him. "MMmmmMmMMMaaaatTTTTE" it roars with passion The wings are a mating display! Oh no! Thrust fails to finish as he experiences what is undoubtedly the worst yeti-related molestation of his millions of years of existence. It continues long into the night. As do his screams. As do his screams. Fulcrum excutes a textmark stop by sliding to a gentle halt on his face, a long furrow of carnage trailing behind him. "Wzzh?" he groans, looking up and peering groggily around as Thrusts cries echo around the mountain. "Did we win?" Suddenly the course is invaded by hordes of grey yeti with little stick-like limbs, looking suspiciously like those from Ski-Free Blueshift continues to ski, looking worried as he is suddenly being chased by several yeti. "No, you shall not deny me my victory!" he shouts, disregarding the fact that Quickswitch has already got to the finishing line. He figures that if he gets there next, he will win automatically for being awesome. Or somehow bend time or something. As a yeti grabs his arm he tugs, and then rips his arm off, disgarding it to the yeti. "Ahahaa" he cackles. "Now I am more streamlined and lighter!" Warmonger's momentum takes him down and past Grimlock, as the Dinobot Commander is busy trying to hassle Blueshift. Warmonger cackles as he takes the lead... at least, the "lead" in terms of "the two poeple who are coming in last," at least. "HahaHAH, Grimlock! Now your folly has come full circle, for I, WARMONGER, have defeated you in 'ski!'" Warmonger pumps his fists in victory. Even a shallow victory like this. Quickswitch veers around at a dangerous green and greying blurr with crimson edges. He was not merely the skiier, but had become some fiendish skiing mechine, the skiis themselves. He passes the finish line, face moving from grim to absolutely, utterly pleased with himself, lauching into the air and doing a 360 degree turn, and landing fairly well for one who's never been on skiis before. But he /was/ the skiis, he was! FREEEEEDOOOOOM!!!!!!! Sunstreaker slides to a halt at the finish scowling at first, then he manages a grin. "Heh... good job, Quickswitch." Peering over his shoulder, he spies the hordes of yeti, and just gapes. "Um... but we can celebrate later. We don't wanna end up like Thrust! RUN!" Popping off his skis, he flees the course altogether. Arcee throws up a wash of snow as she comes to a halt. "You won, Quickswitch! Fantastic!" Shouldn't this snow be falling off Comcast, instead of just sticking there? No, it's cartoon snow! It'll stay there until either he brushes it off or is exposed to some heat source. As Blueshift raced past, Comcast was barely able to work out if that was Blurr in front of him or someone else. The fake-yeti just stands around, hoping to at least frighten the other races as they whiz past. Unfortunately, Sunstreaker is gone without even noticing Comcast. He must be the worst fake-space-yeti ever. Blueshift reaches the finish line to stop and scowl and Quickswitch. And then he looks behind him as the yeti are still coming, waving their arms and gnashing their teeth. "Yee-erk!" he manfully states, as he starts to ski down the mountain further, trying desperately to outrun the yeti, using a little passing dog as a makeshift ramp Unfortunately the huge male yeti approaching Comcast is anything but. "YOU MY WIFE NOW!" it growls in a gutteral tone Quickswitch leaps into the air, with a mighty raised fist! Sixchanger glory! He lands on all fours and bounds out of the track toward his adoring public, chuckling beastially. Arcee bounces at Grimlock. "Did you see me, Grimlock? I got wicked!" He saw. Blueshift continues down the slope as fast as he can, a horde of yeti still chasing after him as he screams Until Comcast retrieves from subspace a couple of cans of XXX-Treem sports drink! Comcast and the Space Yeti drink up from their cans and have a good friendly laugh and then go roller-blading while some inoffensive rock music plays in the background. Sunstreaker is still fleeing in terror from the Yeti hordes. "Dammit, people, you wanna reenact Deliverance?! RUN!" Warmonger manages to snowboard around the yeti horde, as they are migrating towards Thrust and Comcast anyway. "Foolish yetis," he mutters. "You can but DREAM of my smooth metallic skin." He crosses the finish line at last... and keeps going, activating his flight mode and flying up above the carnage. The Graff Vynda K, one of the officials of the Ski Fortress hovers up to the Autobots standing about on his hover platform, which is just high enough to avoid any yeti. "Ah, well done Earthlings" he smiles. "Your prize will be in the post to you, well done indeed. I'm sorry about all the yeti, they can be a bit of a pest. But you could you please..." he points to Comcast "Stop your friend. The rules are quite clear - no feeding the yeti. Or letting them drink" Mysteriously, the yetis run right past Arcee without seeming to notice her. They don't seem to be interested in femmes. Could it be these yetis are... gay for robots? A large boom can be heard in the sky, making a late, but ever noticable intro. The white shuttle's thrusters can be seen in the sky, "What is this?" Sky Lynx murmurs to himself as he kicks on his scanners. Making note of the 'natives' and the other cybertronians here. "..Ah, so Yeti's are indeed Aliens-- fascinating." He remarks softly as he comes down lower in the horizon, the black nose and black tips perhaps the most noticable feature against the white snow, along with the large blue cargo bottom. Blueshift throws one of his ski poles at Sunstreaker, to try to trip the Autobot up and cause him to become Yeti surprise. "I only have to run faster than YOU Autobot!" Blueshift shouts Blueshift succeeds in grasping Sunstreaker, throwing him off-balance. Durango sits inside the belly of the beast, as it were,enjoying the ride to the far-off planet, without having asked Sky Lynx OOCly if he could have a ride. Such hubris! Comcast looks up disappointed at the official announcer guy. "Aww, okay." Since when was getting giant monsters hopped up on caffeine during mating season a bad thing? He leaves the Yeti to the roller-blading. and dusts all the snow off him as he returns to the scene. He lands near the finish line, waiting on Blueshift. Lord Scourge sighs, "I stopped paying attention, did you win, Blueshift? Blueshift says, "Out of the Decepticons, yes my lord" Lord Scourge says, "Who won overall" Blueshift says, "I do not recall sir. Some uh.. creature" Warmonger says, "Quickswitch." Lord Scourge says, "Then prepare to attack." Sunstreaker oofs, stumbling in the snow. He collapses on a rock, and looks up in time to see the Yeti hordes, almost upon him. Their wild, feral eyes look so incredibly desperate... "No. NOOOO!!!!!" he screams, then, just as all goes snowy white--there's an explosion. Lots of explosions. Yeti's are exploding everywhere. When it clears, Sunstreaker is alone, covered in gore, and gasping. "Oh, geeze, that was close! Good thing I remembered that I'm a giant robot with built-in weapons." Blueshift says, "Aaaah, unfortunately sir my weapons systems are still down from last night, and I am being chased by yeti" Lord Scourge says, "Excuses, excuses." Blueshift says, "OOCly I can't since I was :)" Comcast says, "And part of you is on fire?" Blueshift stares behind him. "Gah, that Autobot must have mind-daggers!" he curses as a yeti takes advantage of his momentary distraction to grab him by its stick-like arms and stuff him into its mouth, head-first. So goes the fate of all skiers Sweepcraft 's weapons start powering up as it continues to circle the location. It's afterburners fire and shoot it straight down towards the ski slopes. It barrel rolls once in the sky before bursting forwards, heading towards Quickswitch, "So it is now clear. Decepticons. Prepare to attack. We will not let this energon be taken. Either we take it...or no one does!" he screams out, for all to hear, AUtobots and Decepticons alike. He transforms, wings raising an verniers firing. Warmonger says, "I am prepared to attack... but those hundred foot tall death machines look like they mean business, sir. They completely vaporised a rather vicious-looking alien for no reason." Lord Scourge sighs, "Apparently no one taught you lot how to DODGE Lord Scourge says, "Let them board their shuttle, then attack after they've taken off!" Comcast says, "But they're going to take the prize with them..." Lord Scourge says, "Yes. And they will either give it up or die in deep space." Blueshift mmmppppphpphph Blueshift has now been eaten by a yeti Warmonger says, "Blueshift is being digested by a yeti. Permission to leave him behind." Sky Lynx comes in lower and hrms gently, "Durango-- are you ready to have some fun in the sun? I think we might be able to-- toy with these decepticons out of an attack." He chuckles gently scanning over the snow and examining with his sensors. Blitzwing says, "I would call that a successful secondary objective." Lord Scourge says, "Someone remind me to light a candle or some smeg for Blueshift. Permission granted, Warmonger." Durango pats the inside of Sky Lynx's cargo bay. "Readah feh anythin', jus' say the wehd." Warmonger says, "Thank you sir." Despite peer pressure, Warmonger does not do anything cool as he transforms into a Pyramid Jet. Cyber-Puma is still basking in Sixchanger glory, having won the race by a--humans called it something--a landslide. He balances on his hind feet, leaping backward and landing in the form of a gigantic robot. The energon is rightfully /his/ and no one--NO ONE--is going to take it from him. A desparate scowl on his hideously yellow face. Quickswitch springs up into his massive robot mode. Warmonger, having received permission to abandon Blueshift, transforms to his jet mode and heads for the shuttle. "Where shall we set up the ambush?" The large shuttle's bay door opens for Durango's departure, with Sky Lynx deadly close to the ground, but managing to maintain speed and course with no problem. "Out ya go, chap! Lets get the energon before the Decepticons decide to ruin the fun." Arcee helps usher the menfolk back to the shuttle with the 'prize money' so they don't get roboraped by abominable snowmen. Durango smiles. "Rogeh that!" And with that, he dives headlong into a snowbank. So much for a grand entrance. The yeti which had eaten Blueshift now staggers around, one lone foot sticking out of his mouth Warmonger, unfortunately, is not used to navigating through snowstorms. As such, he manages to fly directly into a snow-covered cliff! The snow cascades down on top of him, momentarily burying the pyramid jet. As Durango leaves, The large shuttle flips in the air and transforms, the large draconic mech now making his apperance lets out a loud roar which can be heard for miles(and most likely either getting the attention of the 'natives' or making them run away). He slams his large feet into the snow and huffs out air from his large mouth, which nearly looks like smoke in the cool air, including a slight heat can be seen from the intake systems themselves. Yetis start to climb the cliff, intent on eating the delicious Warmonger "Poor Blueshift." Comcast says. "I was standing here waiting for him and now he's been eaten by a yeti." Then he sees a leg he recognizes, poking out of a Yeti's mouth. "I'll get you out, Blueshift!" He yells, opening fire on the Yeti's belly. "Just start screaming when I start getting close to you!" Anyway, Quickswitch, the winner of the event, transforms a few times in celebration. The Sixchanger hrms quietly to himself. Those Decepticons look like they're having trouble, and nobody should be Yeti-raped by such a hideous thing. Quickswitch fires off a few rounds of glowing laserfire, light enough to sting the Yetis on impact but not really hurt them, because they're Autobots and he's something like warm and fuzzy. Most of the time. Hopefully that'll keep them off Warmonger. Strange, hideous things. Sky Lynx growls gently, and inhales the cold air gently, shaking his body, and looking toward where Durango Impacted, "Come on you-- before the these.. natives decide you look like some kinda god-- or lunch." He says as he walks over. His golden optical band scanning around to make sure nothing comes out to jump him. Durango is in a snowdrift. Yeti like snowdrifts Feels sorry for Durango then Warmonger's engines fire fitfully, trying to burn through the snow enough for Warmonger to transform. The brief flares hold the Yeti Horde at bay... for now. "Keep back, foul creatures! You are not fit to lay hands on even a lowly Seeker of the glorious Decepticon Empire!" Sky Lynx makes his way over to the Snowdrift, nearly sinking into it with a yelp from his vocalizer from surprise, instincts says, 'Its trying to eat me! The yeti start to round on Warmonger, and one of them attacks with the yeti's most dangerous weapon... the snowball! Sky Lynx makes his way over to the Snowdrift, nearly sinking into it with a yelp from his vocalizer from surprise, instincts says, 'Its trying to eat me!', logic says, 'no-- your just to bloody heavy' 'oh..' Never-the-less, Sky Lynx yells out, trying to locate Durango in the white, "Durango, where the bloody did you go?" Attempts to walk again.. and sinks-- again. Grumbling gently, and in frustration, bursts out flames to free himself, and well, melt down some snow. Durango finally emerges from the snowdrift, in time to see Warmonger getting beaned by Yeti balls. He's no fan of Decepticons, but..well, no one deserves that fate. He rolls up a giant snowball of his own, and fires it at the back of one of the yeti's head. Arcee is studiously helping load the loot onto the Autobot spaceship, not wanting to pick a fight with the yetis if she can avoid it. They're big! As one, the yeti all roar. The Cybertronians are messing with the yetis most precious commodity - snow! Balls start to pelt the Autobots and Decepticons from all around Comcast is still dilligently blasting away at the Yeti. Sooner or later he'll stop blasting guts and star blasting Blueshift, which will be the sign he needs that he should have stopped shooting ten seconds ago! Sky Lynx realized he started a war as he is smacked with a snow-ball, "Bloody!" As another one comes at him, he melts it down to nothing with his fire and gets himself out by hoving into the air, even his own thrusters melt the snow.. Yay for heat! Sky Lynx continues to hover there, tell he gets beaned with a few more well aimed Snowballs which slams him down into the ground, into a cliff, and he rolls down the cliff becoming one with the snow.. and.. becoming a snow ball.. Snow balls! Transform and.. Roll out! Blueshift starts to scream from inside the yeti. "Aaaah my head, stop it!" as chunks of yeti and Blueshift start to fly about. Blueshift lies on the ground, covered in yeti bits, snow and missing a limb. "Nnnn, reminds me of t he last christmas party" Quickswitch stops his ineffective laserfire, deciding against a stronger setting, feeling a touch of sweethearted mercy. Mercy unappreciated as a snowball smacks him in the side of the head. Quickswitch snarls, gathering up what one might call his inner Su, jf such a silly concept existed, releasing his fury in a fierce YELLL... Huge, metallic Quickswitch is the Yeti god! He may not be the size of Sky Lynx, or doomed without the benefit of a robot form, but his robot form is huge and intended for function over form unlike most of his comrades who have both at their command. Him Quickswitch KING! He can pimpslap them six different ways and go home happy. Comcast peers at the bits and pieces of Blueshift on the ground. "You were eaten by a Yeti then too?" He asks, inquisitively. Blueshift tries to rise, but falls into the snow. "Find... my other arm..." he croaks weakly Warmonger, having extricated himself from the snow and stumped the Yeti Horde with a clever logic puzzle all off-screen, hovers over to Blueshift and Comcast. "Ah," he says, uncertainly. "I see you have... survive, Blueshift." He tries hard not to sound disappointed by this. "Well... bully for... the entire faction." He looks almost like he is about to cry. A giant snow-ball that is huge comes rolling down towards the autobots and decepticons. Comcast looks about frantically for another arm. However, there isn't one to be found. However, thankfully the Yeti happened to conveniently fall to pieces. "Will a Yeti arm do?" And then they're hit by a snowball. Aw man. :( An unthemely robot comes over the horizon. Oh no, its just blueshift trying to walk An unthemely GIANT robot? Maybe! Quickswitch grows bored of this and joins his fellow Autobots in dodging snowballs and loading up the energon. Yay. Warmonger licks his ice cream cone. "Now that's what I call a /sticky situation./ Let's go home." And then-- even though Quickswitch declared himself king--- he too is claimed for the giant snowball that-- is rolling! He didn't, he just bellowed. :) Quickswitch RAAAAH Quick is pwned! Pwned I say! And the yeti are happy... Quickswitch gets caught up in snow. Oh dear. This is reminiscent of the Katamari that attacked the united states... and he stopped that one too. THE END The snow-ball rolls, pulling up.. more snow, some trees, and some yetis! Yay! And with the scene fading, the snow ball rolls into the sunset, but not before Quickswitch does his AWSOME stuff and makes all in the world good again-- and with the thanks to the Yetis.. is given Blueshift's arm as a prize! yay!